Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.