Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.