BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
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No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf