boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
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The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
You’ll be OK
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.