[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
taking June’s advice to heart
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station