BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early