[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
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TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
sleeping beauty
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today