Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
You Might Also Like
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
#Caturday
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses