Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
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Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Nice try, poison.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no