Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
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I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t