Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
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Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
🙁
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Merica.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
No, he would not have.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”