Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Dani_Feld

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

@DanMentos

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

@dafloydsta

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

@OfficeofSteve

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

@NurseMurderer

You can’t rush stupid.

@JackMackenroth

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

@UberFacts

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

@Laser_Cat

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

@Adam14

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

@DanEdisonComedy

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.