Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

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A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…


ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss


*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?


Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then


My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?


Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.


*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*


“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok


I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.