Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
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If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Every haunted house movie:
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Battery falling down a hole
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
When your man makes a valid point
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL