Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
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I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.