Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
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My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.