Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
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A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us