bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
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For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
How do dragons blow out candles?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
This guy gets it.