Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.