bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
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*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too