bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.