Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
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nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed