Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
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Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown