bought wrong eggs
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What
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
had to make it
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.