bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
You Might Also Like
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
This will teach them to underestimate me
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.