bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
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Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Closing time, son
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
HER: I hate you
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.