BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
want me to check your oil?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants