BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
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I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once