bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
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I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.