BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
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*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Me sliding into hell like
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.