Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
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Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I can also cook 😂
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.