@gerryhatric

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

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@TweetPotato314

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

@KyleMcDowell86

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

@adalimon

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

@Lisabug74

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

@FloodyHippie

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

@BrianStack153

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

@RodLacroix

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.