Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.