Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

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[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear


“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”


My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)


[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*


As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.


Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.


The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.