bout dat hot dog summer
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
mechanics be like
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Y’all ready for this
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting