Bout to have the best sleep of my life
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me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.