Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”