[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going