Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
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It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
True.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
good work, detective
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE