Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
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My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down