Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
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Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
why would tinder want me to say this
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that