[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
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Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?