Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

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It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets


Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.


Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.


A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.


I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.


Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.


Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”


Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.