@iLikeCatShirts

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

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@fuzzlime

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

@JohnHilsen

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

@BadaBinge

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

@BlairLoudly

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

@baronvonbike

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

@SufficientCharm

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

@beyerstein

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.