Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
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If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Moses: 馃幎gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free馃幎
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We鈥檙e literally being chased
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they鈥檙e multiplying
god: they鈥檒l slow down
angel: they aren鈥檛 slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won鈥檛 stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I鈥檓 still finding crumbs today.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they鈥檙e losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”