Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
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uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.