@KattsDogma

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

@SirEviscerate

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

@dudehugs

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

@BoothysTweets

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

@Book_Krazy

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

@sfjdotcom

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

@TheHatStore

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

@AaronFullerton

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.