Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
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Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.