@PoodleSnarf My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
@hipchkk Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
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@PoodleSnarf 
@NCSox I needed a laugh this morning.
@TheCiscoKidder I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
@Brianhopecomedy I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
@trevso_electric It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
@pleatedjeans Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
@SteveSuckington I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
@Maxine12333 You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
@TheHyyyype [commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
@Gre_Gone [coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”