Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:


I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.


I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.


Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home


I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”


You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.


[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*


[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”