Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
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[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
It’s the weekend y’all
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
hmmm
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
But is it really??
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”