Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
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Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week