Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
You Might Also Like
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?