Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
@funTweeters
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
he’s doing your taxes
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
the three branches of government
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?