@tigersgoroooar

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

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@NikiWithIssues

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

@MoneypennyNaked

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

@permawedgie

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

@SteelCityDawn

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

@thepaulasuzanne

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

@RunOldMan

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

@behindyourback

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

@BlondeCalamity

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

@IamEnidColeslaw

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers