Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers