Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
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“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Girl, same.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
even bears disappoint their mothers
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for