@pilau

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

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@david8hughes

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

@amburgklur

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

@mostlysharks

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

@lgbk44

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

@markedly

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

@mommajessiec

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

@blade_funner

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

@Browtweaten

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

@youlooklikeamom

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.