Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
getting old is fun
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.