Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
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Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.