Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
why I oughta
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.