@DaddyJew

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

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@robdelaney

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

@treydayway

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

@ItsAndyRyan

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

@mzeld

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

@HousewifeOfHell

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

@sandjoeman

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

@pauleggleston

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

@better_off_dad2

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

@Andrew_S_Dykes

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

@deloisivete

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out