@Shariv67

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

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@asimplesean

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

@skullpuppy11

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

@YearOfRat

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

@DeanB15

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

@tigersgoroooar

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

@WonderMonkey78

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

@mdob11

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”